i’ve gone pro, y’all

patty punker has gone pro! that’s right, now i’m self-hosting my blog over at www.pattypunker.com.  now i can drop more f bombs and maybe sell some ads to support my nicorette habit.

so come on over and show me some love. xoxo

priestess of depravity

i received the most epic comment (reflection, really) on my last post about hot foreign dudes i’d like to schtup. it was from my college buddy, matt attanasio, and because of its sheer brilliance, i’m stealing it and posting it on MY BLOG. it’s also easier to steal than it is to write my own shit. i’ve put my favorite passages in bold, so you can clearly see why matt is the shizzle.

matt attanasio looking devil-red

also, i’m finally up and running on my new site. i don’t have a new design yet, but everything has been transferred over with the help of wpbeginner. so huge thanks to them. they’re full of rad goodness. i did some of the work and updated my tagline and my about page, so check it out. subscribe. add it to your faves. love me madly.  and here’s matt:

“It dawned on me last evening as I was tossing and turning through another sleepless night. It’s been days wrestling with this monster, this endless demon that could only be slayed by writing about it which will hopefully put it to it’s final rest. I have finally figured out the mystery, the key unlocking that great chastity belt in the sky. The reason, yes the true reason why Patty Punker has gone through boxes of Energizer’s lusting after Hugh Grant.

I must admit, it bemused and befuddled me why this priestess of depravity would even have an interest, no less a burning passion for this seemingly uber-conservative upper crust and IMHO utterly boring Brit turned Hollywood actor. Lets face it, Hugh is the King of Swoon for all those prissily dressed nice girls who love their boyfriends and kiss their mommy and daddys before they go to bed at night. The chicks who love the dare I say “chick flicks” that endlessly play on the Starz channels when there’s no testosterone in the room. But Patty? She would never fall for such frivolity. She would never fall for such a proper dull gent as he. She would never be interested in such a screen persona. Or would she? That’s it! It’s just a persona. Maybe there was another side to the dapper Mr. Grant. A dual persona; kind of like the Mormon Dual Jesus, but not really.

Than I remembered a tale from years ago. A tale so sordid that I tried to expunge it from overly obsessed mind. Apparently, I have not been successful. Wasn’t our hero arrested on Hollywood Boulevard for soliciting a hooker? Wait a minute, it wasn’t just an everyday washed up 35 year old crackwhore looking for another fix. It was a transvestite hooker. Oh, the sordity, the depravity not to mention the utter stupidity.

It all started to make sense to me. Patty wasn’t swooning over the Hugh that most of us see on the silver screen. She was swooning over the “other Hugh”, the reckless and raunchy Hugh that she could plainly see behind that snarky smile of his when he’s dazzling some on- screen harlot. I can finally rest now because life is once again making sense. Patty’s lust is justified; and the world is a better place for it.”

top 5 foreign dudes i’d like to get naughty with

i’m researching taking my blog pro, i.e., purchasing my own domain, managing my own site, and incorporating a new site design.  it’s eating up a lot of time and making me feel stupid. but hey, maybe someday i can have ads and that would give me a little extra occasional money for recreational drug use. it’s good to have goals.

in the meantime,  here’s a quickie to hold you over. i always say, there’s no reason for the DTs, just find a substitute. i think that’s a valid analogy here. anyhussy, here is my list of the top five foreign dudes i’d like to get naughty with (foreign for the added challenge):

1. javier bardem. this is one hot tamale! he had me in the dancer upstairs. was remarkable in love in the time of cholera.  but made it to the top of my list in vicky cristina barcelona where i couldn’t stop thinking, “i’m def going to watch this movie again in slo mo when the hubby and daughter aren’t home.” and who else can rock a bowl cut like he did in no country for old men? 

2. benicio del toro. if javier is 5 chile peppers, benicio is 4.5. those are some soulful bedroom eyes and eyebrows. yes, eyebrows can be bedroom worthy. and kitchen counter, top of the dryer, hammock, and dining room table worthy. if you don’t believe me, watch traffic or 21 grams. then see things we lost in the fire.

3. gary oldman. he just stole some of my favorite movies of all time and played some of the most intriguing characters ever: sid vicious  in sid and nancy, count dracula in bram stoker’s dracula, the pimp in true romance, and ludwig van beethoven in immortal beloved. there’s something raw, edgy, and gritty going on inside that head of his and i need to tap that!

4. daniel craig. two words: james bond. he’s just the sexiest bond to date and the first bond to fall in love! i think he’d fall in love with me, too, if he knew me. but if he just wanted to wham-bam-thank-you-maam me that would be quite alright. fuck, just look at the body on this guy.

5. hugh grant. when you look up “cute and charming as all get out” in the dictionary, a picture of hugh grant shows up. four weddings and a funeral, notting hill, bridget jones’s diary, about a boy, two weeks notice, and love actually. in the latter he does a little dance like he’s mick jagger and damn that’s cute. guys, he is like the male version of your jennifer love hewitt. he may even bedazzle his balls because he’s just that adorable and funny.

 

sibling sex on ice – not nice

so the results are in from my poll about who should win the heart of my one true love. and there were two – count em – two fucking votes for evil meghan!

to you two, my diplomatic, responsible blogger response is: “thank you for participating in my poll. i know you cast your vote with much thought and conviction. that’s all i can ask. power to the people.”

and my childish, knee-jerk reaction is: “how could you? off with your heads! and just so you know, the vote was 88% in my favor, so you don’t know jack.”

in my quest to be closer to my OTL, i’ve learned that he’s been traveling. he hasn’t been blogging, but he has tweeted some super hilarious stuff like:

“Is it wrong that I size myself up against every arab I see in the airport? You know…just in case…”

“What is lamer…. A 32 yr old that likes dave matthews band or 32 yr old that likes twilight?”

“A twin of the comic book guy from the simpsons is on my flight from pdx to chicago. He is my new favorite person ever. ”

isn’t he soooo funny? he just tickles me pink. i’ll have to let you know when there is a substantial development with our dalliance. but until then let’s turn to the real business at hand.

like why is this shit allowed in the motherfucking world olympics?

these two are brother and sister, people! and he’s titty-fucking her on ice. granted that takes mad skillz, but it’s between siblings. in the 2010 olympics there are four brother and sister figure skating couples. i don’t know their names but i do know they all share the same surname. color me cross-eyed.

c’mon, in couples skating there are crotches skimming faces, thighs being squeezed, hips held with intensity, deep stares into each other’s eyes … this is foreplay. and choreographed foreplay at that.

this will lead to copulation.

and don’t be all up in my grill that they’re just acting cuz you just lost the debate with that argument. we all know actors are infamous for humping their costars. and that’s fine by me because they’re not fucking blood relatives.

woody allen and soon-yi? fine. ashton kutcher and rumer willis? fine. (okay that didn’t happen yet). all fine as long as you don’t share the same dna.

what’s your take? should this incestuous dance be condoned and celebrated by the world or should we let the sibling lovers pretend to be just skating partners because they’ve worked so hard and do it oh so beautifully?

cast your vote: meghan vs. me

if you’ve been reading my blog the last couple days, you know all about the intrigue surrounding me and my one true love (OTL). if you haven’t been following, def catch up because tensions and pheromones are mounting. 

so you might remember the other girl, evil meghan, who also thinks my OTL is smitten with her. she is always the first to weigh in whenever he has a new post. i don’t know why she is so obsessed with him, the two of them aren’t going anywhere. 

anyfreeze, since evil meghan is the antithesis of me, i.e., dark, brooding, exotic, and gothy, i thought i’d put it to a vote. this should be easy for you because you can tell just about everything you need to know from an avatar. 

evil meghan

 

sweet me

 

my dirty little secret

everyday i fall in love all over again on the internet. the honesty, humor, cleverness, and likenesses to myself i find out there in the blogosphere just reel me in. i get all school girl giddy. (even over girls, but that’s just my idolatry problem rearing its ugly head.) but this time it’s for realz. 

i have a RAGING crush on a certain male blogger. i’m convinced he is my true love and that he feels the chemistry too. even though we have never seen each other in person, or direct messaged/emailed each other, there are some major vibes flowing between us over these omnipotent internet waves. and it’s only a matter of time before things escalate. see if you agree. . .

i can’t recall how we discovered each other but i remember commenting on his blog post 10 Best Albums of the Decade. (no, i’m not linking to this post and sharing his identity. that would leave me vulnerable to jinxing. and besides if he reads this, then he will know it’s him and will be encouraged by my affirmation of requited love.)

because music is one of my greatest loves, practically anytime a guy is into cool music (translation: the kind i like), my libido is gonna start jumping. on his list were some of my absolute faves:

weezer–green album

john butler trio–sunrise over sea

the shins–oh inverted world

radiohead–kid a or pick one (pick one! he’s a radiohead head, too!)

the flaming lips–yoshimi battles the pink robots

not long after this, my hotty commented on my Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade post and that’s when i was pretty sure i had hooked him. i became obsessed and the stalking began (don’t snicker, he’s def doing it, too).  i made sure to comment on his posts everyday and i became a fan of his facebook page (actually he’s sort of a celebrity and has an amazing tv writing/producing and even an acting history).

at some point we started following each other on twitter, but for the life of me, i can’t remember who initiated that either.

anyfreeze, one time i commented on his post about the movie leap year with amy adams agreeing that adam scott who is also in the movie is a dickhead. he liked that comment and replied back.

of course, there’s this girl, meghan, who chimes in on his every post, too. from her thumbnail she looks to be one of those dark, gothy, exotic looking chicks (i.e., evil). just the opposite of me. he replies to her comments, too, but i can tell they are half-hearted compared to the way he replies to me.

when i commented on his conan vs. jay post that chelsea handler would be the one set of cojones still standing, he replied that chelsea’s “i used to be a slut” bit couldn’t last. however, he put it ever so nicely. we don’t have to agree on everything to still be crazy crushing on one another.

to his post pondering why he doesn’t get invited to sex toy parties, i sent him a link to my girls bore me post in which i assert maybe if men were invited to these things, there might be some potential for fun. to which he replied “hmmm.”  i’m still dying to know exactly what he was thinking. why was he hiding his thoughts? it had to be that he was afraid meghan or some other girlfriend who obvs doesn’t hold a candle to me was reading the thread.

then one time he tweets, “going to throw a dart: vegas,  portland, portsmouth, boston.”

i tweet back, “come to philly.”

he says, “i’d rather light myself on fire than live in philly.”

i die inside. and ask, “why, cuz i’m here?”

he answers,  “i hate your baseball team, your hockey team… and the general attitude of your sports fans. that is a good start. : )”

i’m sure he’s confusing philly teams/fans with new york, but that’s neither here, nor there. what’s important to note is the smiley face he puts at the end. he wanted to reassure me that it didn’t have anything to do with me!

lately, he hasn’t replied to my comments with the same zeal, but then he posted everything sucks or is meh and within this post was this:

“In looking at my life I am more professionally accomplished than I have ever been. I am making more money than I ever have. My dating and love life is fine. And really by all accounts everything is fine, except for some reason I have become a negative and miserable human being. It got to the point where I wasn’t enjoying anything on any level. It has been pretty scary.”

THERE IT IS!  there is a another girl, but that someone rates as a four-letter F word: fine. in this context, fine is not the foxy fine, but the mediocre fine. and clearly she is not cutting the mustard if he’s become so depressed and forlorn, and can longer enjoy things like U2 concerts and beer.

so that’s how i know he secretly wants me, too. his emptiness is a direct result of my not being in his life.

the anticipation of wondering when the secret will break is just sooo titillating. soon he will confess that he can’t take his mind off of me and must have me. when that direct message arrives, i’m going to melt.

it’s going to be any day now, but i can wait. sometimes the dreaming is the best part.

UPDATE February 18

so my one true love (OTL) hasn’t posted anything on his blog today for me to read and capture more of his essence. commenting on his posts is one of the highlights of my day.  i  imagine him lighting up when my name appears in his comments and that he falls a little deeper every time he reads my witty take on his humorous post. he probably envisions us laughing our heads off together for all of eternity as the world becomes our own private joke and continually ignites our passion.

i guess he hasn’t read my blog either since my Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade post, but i’m certain this is because of his funk that i told you about yesterday. by his own admission he can’t enjoy things anymore, even the things that require no effort because they automatically make us feel good.  and i bet that he and mediocre girl are fighting about something stupid like where to order the pad thai and he’s wondering why am i with her when we can’t even agree on delivery and i now know my OTL, who thinks just like me, is out there. poor guy. 

i’m a little down, too, because of his absence. (we’re always so in sync.) but i know he won’t fail me.  can’t you just sense it too?

v-things and shit i hate in the social media world

since the v-day holiday is upon us and i forget what it feels like to be gaga in love i’m not going to talk about v things. although i could do a V is for … post like i did C is for… cuz there are a ton of sweet V words:

voluptuous. vajayjay. visceral. vasectomy. valium. vodka. venus. vicious. vote. vanity. venomous. virile. vivacious. vaseline. veg. visionary. volatile. va va voom. vogue. vested. vamoose. vacation. veranda. vixen. villainous. victory. voracious. varmint and vermin. vulva. vamp. vw. vampire. voodoo. vineyard. vapid. vindicate. voyeur. vocabulary. vinyl. vehemently. venereal. vim and vigor. velvety. vent. verbatim. verge. vs. vibrator. vices. vintage. volley. volatile. vulgar.

that would be a damn good post. anyway, the lawnmower and i have been married for like 1.8 million years so we’re no violet and victor on v day. we’re more like vera and vernon. a name can say it all, can’t it? i think it’s so cool when people are giddy in love. the BIG smiles. the always having some body part touching. the fucking amazing chemicals surging through their bodies: endorphins, dopamines, oxy, pheromones, percocets, aphrodisiacs. it’s true. look it up in a science resource. the impenetrable happiness. the rose-colored glasses. the giggles. i haven’t had the giggles since the last time i did shrooms. oh and when i just recently watched zombieland. the can’t sleep and can’t wait to get out of bed and get to school or work just to see the person.

so i get it. i’m sad it’s gone, never to be back again. besides i wasn’t going to talk about v things. i’m going to talk about shit i hate in the social media world. cuz hate seems more reachable for me this time of year. here we go, hold on to your ass hats:

1. attention whores. i hate girls who post stuff like they’re going out fucking bikini shopping. exactly what kind of comments do you think they’ll get with this status? “show me the pics.” “get a hot one for your hot body.” “can i come?” “would love to be a fly on the fitting room wall.”  so let me get this straight, you need to let the whole sm world know how much every guy and his frat brother wants to bone you? classy. hope you get pregnant. these people are also #5.

2. ignorers. i hate when you send a message or tweet to someone with a question or something that obviously begs a response and you get straight up ignored. ignoring is ignorant! that’s right, ignoring is the latin root of ignorant. guess what, “no” “can’t make it” “i don’t know” are all answers, use them. don’t pretend i don’t exist. that’s just rude. like not thanking me when i hold the door for you. these people are also #3.

3. selfish social media users. i hate the people who put out all of these posts or tweets just for the feedback about how clever, funny, retarded, odd, or controversial they are. but they never ever comment on anybody else’s posts nor do they retweet anybody else. wtf fuck face! you have no opinions about anything unless it comes from your gem-spewing ass? you must be better than me fo sho. i am not worthy. these people are also #4.

4. jealous people. i hate people that won’t even comment when you have a proud parent moment on fb or twitter. really?  i commented on every stupid picture, announcement, and vid of your kid, but you got nothing when it comes to mine? that’s just wrong buckeroo. my kid rulz and if you can’t handle that or at least fake it then i pronounce you weak and jealous. and now i will rub it in all the harder.

5. horoscope publishers. i hate people who publish their daily horoscope. (unless it’s my friend susan because she can do no wrong in my eyes.) why am i supposed to care about your mood, lucky color, lucky number, lucky time of the day, etc when i’m not even the same sign? and unless i’m in love with you, which i discussed earlier hasn’t happened to me in a millenium or so, i don’t need this much detail about you. only newly-in-loves need this kind of detail about another person. you must be an attention whore who needs people to be obsessed with you and this kind of inane bullshit pisses me off because it causes me to scroll more to get through my feeds. so i’m sending you the bills for my carpal tunnel syndrome.

happy valentine’s day and wishing you that new love feeling because everyone but the people above deserves it. xoxo

People that have to GO: Veggie Girl

By Guest Blogger Sparklinglegend (yet another cheese celebrity couple name)

You have likely encountered this woman at an overpriced, organic food store like Whole Foods, or at a yipster coffee shop, drinking coffee with soy milk and typing on her “earth friendly” MAC-book-pro; made from 99% recycled materials, with a biodegradable screen and reclaimed hard drive. If you are a guy, you may even have been unfortunate enough to have dated her.

You don your finest frock, drown yourself in cheap but decent smelling cologne and prepare for a date with the dreamy girl you met outside Whole Foods (first mistake). You pick her up, she seems like a regular girl. She is not wearing a vegetarian identification badge or a necklace made of eucalyptus leaves to warn you of her leaf related exploits. Your waiter comes to take your orders. You order your usual, the House Rump Roast and ask that it be moo-ing and walk itself onto your plate.

She orders the “Rain forest Salad” with tofu, croûtons and nine different plants that sound like names of Star Trek characters. You naturally assume her meal is a starter and that she just has a healthy appetite (a good sign). Your food comes, dripping with blood and causing you salivate. You tuck in enthusiastically, being careful to eat in a calm, dignified manner (see 10 things not to do on a date: date killing 101). After a while you look up to see if your date is enjoying her meal. She is not eating, instead she is staring at your succulent juicy steak while silent tears drip down her face.

Embarrassed you look away to give her time to compose herself. Suddenly the tears are no longer silent, she has broken out into noisy sobs causing everyone in the restaurant to look at you as though you were Kanye West. It suddenly becomes clear, she in fact ONLY ordered the Rain forest Salad and the tantalizing smell of your well-chosen meal is too much for her starving body.

You are pretty pissed off, after all she could have easily ordered her own House Rump Roast, but she is really hot and besides the bodybuilders in the corner look as though they are about to jump up and call you outside. You could definitely take them but you’d rather avoid a scene. “Would you like a piece of my steak?” She looks at you in total disgust, her jaw on the table “I. don’t. eat. meat, it’s cruel to animals,” she hisses. She jumps up, “Murderer” she screams and runs out of the restaurant leaving you to grab your half-eaten cow and get out before the body builders reach you.

Why this person needs to go
We get it, a vegetarian diet is healthy. However, you don’t have to give vegetarians a bad name by being annoying about it. It does not make you better or more humane than the rest of the world to choose to be vegetarian. You simply chose not to eat meat, yet in many instances you go to great pains to emulate its taste, occasionally eating fish, beetles and worms which in your mind somehow managed to elude being animals. The illustration below is of a food pyramid detailing what food is appropriate for human consumption.

In conclusion, it is perfectly acceptable and natural to eat meat and by no means disgusting. The human body is capable of digesting it after millions of years of evolution. This is not an accident. If you want to do something to save the innocent animals out there I have an idea. Jump right in between a lion and it’s prey. Inform the lion on the benefits of a veggies only diet and see what it thinks.

What to do with this person

Save a tree, eat a vegetarian.

What ever you do one thing is clear…”Veggie Girl” has got to go! 

If you like the kind of wisdom you found in this post, be sure to read more from our guest blogger’s site @ http://www.stuff-about.com/

men who shop at express

i’m guest blogging over at stuff-about.com  stuff-about.com is a must read humor site for hilarious articles and humorous takes on relationships, dating, politics, lifestyle and just about any stuff you can possibly imagine. read my take on men who shop at express.

def check this site out. and by all means subscribe, follow, or add to your faves.

hey guys, save teabagging for the bedroom

my good friend kyle told me that he wanted to quit drinking coffee and start drinking tea. he said he was reading outside magazine and that tea is loaded with antioxidants, helps maintain good prostate health, and trims the waistline. fuck that noise. eat more nuts and berries, go rogue every now and again, and ride your damn cannondale. tea is for pussies.   

oh sure guys in india, japan, and the UK slam down tea like real boys slam down cold ones during pre-game.  but do you really wanna model yourself after this guy:   

Prince of Pussies, I mean Wales

tea causes leprechaun-like ear growth. and he’s obviously a cross-dresser. not that there’s anything wrong with that. but he chose this bow-wow with eroded tea teeth syndrome (ETTS):   

do we see an adam's apple here?

over this beautiful fairy-tale princess with pearly whites:   

all girl!

and anyway, i’m talking about red-blooded american males here.  could you imagine the marlboro man sitting around the campfire with his other cowboy buds drinking a pot of fine white peony tea? (i had to look up the name of a good tea here.)  exactly, because these dudes wear spurs not kilts.   

 

and do you think joe dimaggio, mr coffee himself, would have ever hawked a tea-pot? no, because he was a manly man yankee baseball superstar and husband of marilyn monroe.   

but, i could see this bitch peddling tea petals:   

a-rod the tea petal peddler

i’m not even gonna start talking about the hackneyed extended pinky grip or the fruity shit that is served with tea:   

accompaniment of crustless sandwiches, crumpets, scones, and other "sweet" treats

but if you quit drinking coffee, and start drinking tea, then i think you should give up the burger, too. that’s just how it works. it’s a slippery slope my friend.   

i’m a little tea-pot short and stout. here is my handle, where is my cock?